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A question of baby-work-life balance
by Lisa Buckingham,
Founder,
zoo tots
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To
keep your balance you must keep moving” Albert Einstein
There’s a
phenomenon in the years BB (Before Baby), which my friends call the ‘myth
zone’. It describes the period when, nearly always unsolicited, people
you’ve barely spoken to before volunteer tales about a) the birth process
and their “must dos” and b) how much your life is going to change….shortly
before reaching out to touch your bump. I’m not sure why it happens (my
husband has various theories about people having buried issues which
re-surface when they see a pregnant tum), but it happens to all of us.
Ignoring the more
graphic, birth-related horror stories, do any of these sound familiar?
“Go to the
shows/restaurants/places you always wanted to visit because your life is
soon going to be over (for at least the next 20 years)”
“Let’s face it –
your career’s over”
“It’s nice having
time together with your partner but he won’t be that interested until the
baby’s old enough to walk/talk/kick a ball around etc, etc”
“Sex life! What sex
life?”.
The single most
important insight which I was offered was simply to ignore them all.
Whatever unresolved issues you may stumble over when talking to your
friends will be surpassed by the joy of the most important decision you’ll
ever make – to have your baby. But in terms of maintaining balance in our
lives, our little ones arrive, quite frankly, with a whole new set of
scales.
One of the
greatest legacies of feminism has been the liberation of choice in pursuit
of balance.
Whether we’re
conscious of it or not, much of life’s journey is about searching for
balance. Balance between roles, home and work/income/career, sport and
leisure, physical and spiritual needs, social time and private time.
Speaking as a
woman, when Holly properly announced her presence at the first scan, logic
and emotion were poured into the great cocktail mixer with the rest of
life’s ingredients, and given a damn lusty shake. It was pretty much an
act of faith that the mixture which resulted was palatable because it was
made largely without a recipe book handed down from our parents or lent by
our friends.
One of the
consequences of the ongoing struggle to maintain balance has been a
delayed first pregnancy age (women are reaching this milestone, on
average, five years later than our 1970s predecessors), and, until
recently, with the breakdown/changes in extended family life, a dependence
upon third-party childcare (nannies, creches, kindergartens etc). It now
emerges that there’s been a dramatic change.
The first evidence
of an end to the “have-it-all” generation of women emerges today with the
news that thousands of nursery places are lying empty because mothers are
choosing to care for young children themselves.
“Almost a quarter of nursery
places are now vacant. The ideal of a woman juggling a full-time career
with the demands of motherhood is going out of fashion as a new era of
flexible parenting rights takes root”. The Times, 30 April 2007.
Whilst I object
strongly to the implication that childcare options are dictated by
“fashion”, the fact remains that parents are starting to exercise their
freedom of choice and that some nurseries aren’t helping themselves by
failing to adapt to changing needs of modern parents.
The term
“have-it-all woman” is attributed to Helen Gurley-Brown, the editor of
Cosmopolitan magazine, in her 1982 book Having It All. However idealised
we may find the term, it is helpful in pointing to the differences between
our generation and our mothers’ in that it implies that post-feminist
society has meant the liberation of choice. But choice isn’t easy – it
certainly involves prioritisation which means that, when baby comes along,
in the words of the song “something’s gotta give”. The Times article seems
to back up what a lot of us know and it’s that, more often than not, it’s
the career that bears the brunt of the change. Personally, I challenge the
notion that this is somehow a cause for doom and gloom.
Having worked as
both an HR Director and a Management Consultant, I’ve witnessed this
dilemma from both sides now. I’ve had to find ways to bend over backwards
to reconcile the demands of the business with the needs of mothers, and
increasingly, fathers seeking flexible ways to balance work and family
time. Our perceptions of careers are changing. It’s my personal belief
that, in society in general, there’s a strong movement away from inherited
notions of work/life balance, traditional notions of careers and certainly
of jobs for life. Not only is it clear that women are increasingly taking
advantage of hard-fought-for workplace legislation governing maternity
leave but women are leading the way in terms of alternative working
styles. The facts are:
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“The most entrepreneurial age
group for females is 35 – 44” (Global Entrepreneurship Monitor, London
Business School, February 2006);
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“While men are still twice as
likely to start a business the gap is rapidly narrowing”. Article ‘The
average entrepreneur’ – Startups website, April 2007;
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“Female entrepreneurs now
account for 6.8 per cent of the UK’s working population, double the
figure than in 1979” - Labour Force Survey 2003.
People in general
are acknowledging that we are all more fulfilled if the gap between
vocation and social time is blurred (if we’re doing what we enjoy it feels
less like work doesn’t it?). What better catalyst than the arrival of our
little ones to sort our lives out?
I’m in no way
implying that either the choice of employment or self-employment is
preferable, both come with their advantages and shortcomings and I see
amongst my peers how both can provide the right answer for different
people. What is important is the fact that mums and dads are now more
equipped than ever with the skills, knowledge and support networks to
liberate choice. But finding the right balance for your family isn’t easy,
particularly as we all have our own unique combinations of pressures and
opportunities.
Since Holly’s
birth, both myself and my husband Ian have had to alter our lifestyle and
career choices several times to make the most of our new circumstances.
Most importantly for us, we spent time during the nine pregnancy months
talking and planning, not just for the practical changes but how to ensure
that we both continued to meet our vocational needs and interests. And we
didn’t get it all right from the outset; rather it is a continual
evolution.
The answer for me
has been the development of my own children’s retail business
www.zootots.co.uk which allows me the chance to make the most of our
new lifestyle pattern and frankly, a wonderful new world of interests
whilst still using the skills and experience gained in those BB years. For
my friends (who range from senior professionals through to artists and
teachers) the answer has varied from quitting working for now to focus
entirely on raising children, investing in quality childcare support so
they can continue to work full time or entering into negotiations with
their respective employers to bring about a working relationship more in
tune with their new priorities.
It hasn’t always
been easy, it’s never dull, but then that’s life, I guess, when you’re
forced to be at the cutting edge of change, which our generation most
certainly is. I’m sure we’ll make many mistakes and have to re-adjust as
we’re constantly looking for balance. But there’s certainly nothing about
the last two years that I regret.
Download this
article as a PDF
here.
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